Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
