So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
