im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
