shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Randomize
