So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
