The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
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