it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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