I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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