I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
hell yes lets make some ravioli
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
