Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
