If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Dignity is for republicans.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
