Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
