God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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