I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
She's not a foreskin expert like you
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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