I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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