my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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