he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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