White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
