I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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