I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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