She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
