There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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