can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
