Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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