The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
