i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
