so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
