Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize
