I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
