Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
