can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
