Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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