I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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