You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Randomize
