Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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