Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
