I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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