I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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