I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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