my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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