just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.