White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.