im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
The Most Iconic Met Gala Looks The Kardashian’s Have Rocked
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!