you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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