I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
