I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
