So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
