I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
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