I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
