Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Dicks are not precious.
Randomize
