yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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