She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
