if i can run in heels then i can drive
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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