I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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