after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Randomize
