I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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