why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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