You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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