i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
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I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
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So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
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