Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
